(This is an excerpt from my book “He Whispers Our Name”. It is written directly after I give my testimony of how God brought me through the darkest time of my life – a time of dispair and hopelessness. It was during this time that He allowed me to see that the hope that I thought I had, was not hope at all. This portion of the book is called, “Hope that is not hope” and it is the chapter that is titled, “Hope”. The Holy Spirit has instructed me to share this with someone today. I am praying for you. I do not have to know your name, God does.)
Hope that is not hope
By going through this time I realized that I had placed my hope in something very different to what God intended. By doing things my own way I felt captive and restless. In not believing God’s Word and promises to me and trusting Him fully I was not seeing, not hearing and not understanding. Let me explain..
My confidence was in the future that I saw, doing my own thing. If my day was bad, or my husband didn’t love me, or my children got hurt, then God wasn’t there … and why wasn’t He there? Well then, I would be okay. I had me. I was strong and I could do anything.
My hope was in the possibility that God would hear and rescue me. I used to pray prayers for surviving the car drive or the next night shift at work. I was always afraid that I might not survive the next day or the future. Had I have prayed enough, been a good enough girl? Had I said all that I needed in the prayer to cover all that God needed to do to protect my life?
My trust was in my own strength and abilities. True I trusted God to be there. He was going to be there, wasn’t He? I knew that God had promised protection and promised to be there. But would He do that for me?
I hoped that tomorrow would be a better day. I hoped that I would have my health in the future. I hoped that the money would come through. I hoped that my sons would be well and healthy … I hoped.
The hope that I have just spoken of is only a possibility, like a huge mathematical equation filled with ifs and buts, full of “maybe’s” and “could be’s”. Is this truly the hope that God gives? No.
The question I eventually asked myself was – did I truly trust God who was my hope for the future as well as now. Was I certain of the truthfulness of God?
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