This year is going to be …um…actually I cannot find a way to describe it. There are times when I want God to do miracles and fight fights, not just stand there. It seems like sometimes He is just…there.
One day, I stepped out of the car to go and do the weekly shopping and it hit me. The huge commitments I had taken on this year were mind boggling. With one foot on the ground and one foot still in the car, I breathed the words in prayer –
“Oh Father, how am I going to do this?”
The words replied to my heart, “With my help.”
My youngest son decided at the end of last year that he wanted to do his Year 9 schooling through Distance Education, from home. This added to an already overloaded and chaotic schedule for this year.
I am really not sure how this is all going to happen. But in my prayer time, God assures me that I will get through it and that there is a reason for what He is doing. God has assured me that He has placed every one of these things on my heart, but I need to give up one thing… and it is the one thing that would take the most faith. Slowly He is reducing this to almost nothing, and I have to trust.
I want to grip this tiny little area of my life and rely on it, but apparently it has to go. God promises me that this area is known by Him and He will be the one who is this for me. But I hate to let go. I feel like a little girl hold her security blanket for grim death, all the while asking God to take it from me. I want Him to show me that I will be alright before I let go.
He knows why I don’t want to let go.
I know why I have to let go. I also know why I have to do so much this year.
My son is reading Gifted Hands – the Ben Carson Story. Once again, I was reminded today that God has a way of reaching out to people and giving them tasks that are beyond them. This is an excerpt from the book that I read today –
“I’m not sure people always understand when I say that, but I had an inner certainty that I was on the right path in my life—the path God had chosen for me. Great things were going to happen in my life, and I had to do my part by preparing myself and being ready.”
(Ben Carson, 1990) (Gifted Hands 20th Anniversary Edition (p. 81). Zondervan. Kindle Edition.)
“…I had to do my part by preparing myself and being ready.”
The other evening, I stood in the middle of the kitchen, breathing heavily. I was dizzy, tired and about to pass out. The pain I was in was beyond being able to stand up anymore and for a moment I thought I was going to faint. I stood quietly and prayed. I opened my eyes and nothing had changed.
The phone was in my hand as I talked to my computer company about my computer only being out of warranty for two months (That afternoon my computer had died in the middle of important document being prepared, and my son’s computer was frozen because it could not do what I needed it to do). I was getting tea ready. I was answering my eldest sons’ questions, answering text messages on my mobile phone about baby sitting for a friend. I was waiting to be paid for a job I had just completed and had just been told that I could have to wait for 2-4 weeks for some money. My youngest son walked into the kitchen and held out his arms- his work shirt no longer fitted him.
At that very moment, the cat purred between my feet and let me know of his annoyance of being not fed and I nearly fell over him. I lifted my foot to move him out of the way, when I felt God say, “you can do this.”
Nothing had changed, accept that for some strange reason I was no longer breathing heavily. I was still feeling overwhelmed and in shocking pain. But for some reason I was okay.
God will sometimes give us more then we can handle. Sometimes He knows that life as just thrown us a curve ball and we have more then we can take. We will find ourselves in situations that are a bit beyond us, or completely beyond us.
When we open our eyes things haven’t changed, but God has changed us. Even though feelings are the same, there has been something that has changed.
Sometimes He provides a miracle. Sometimes He provides
…and sometimes He is just “there”.
I believe in a God who does awesome things. I believe in miracles. I believe in a God who cares and provides. But sometimes He is just…there.
Is “there” enough?
Yes, “there” is better then “no there”.
I still look forward to the day of getting more then 4 hours sleep a night, and not being in pain. I look forward to blessings and rest.
But this is what I want the most –
To be strengthened. To be changed. To not being so affected by the world that I live in. To not be reactive and emotional.
I don’t want to avoid the storms, I want to survive the storms
Yes, “there” is enough. While He is there I can change, I can lean and rely on Him. I can pray and believe. Because being there is better then not being there.
While He is “there” I can know that He will step in and move things when needed. While He is “there” I know that He cares. While He is “there” I know that He knows, and has always known.
Do you want my blanket God?